Life is full of surprises. It's not always what you expect to be. It is truly unpredictable and you have to be ready for everything.
Ever since my life turned 360 degrees, everything then was unexpected. From conceiving to giving birth to becoming a mom. My life before my marriage was exciting and I felt free. Though I may have problems I was not worried at all since I only support myself. It all changed after my marriage, I felt secure because I have someone to lean on, to share my problems with, someone who comforts me and takes care of me. I felt at ease knowing I have a partner who will be with me through the ups and downs of life.
Being in a long distance relationship was fine with me as long as we constantly communicate. And I thought it will still be okay after giving birth, but sadly it wasn't. I felt bad because I was left alone to take care of the baby. I thought taking care of the baby wouldn't be an issue since I took care of a lot of babies before since I was a neonatal ICU nurse. But it was totally different when it comes to your own baby. I was paranoid because of the babies I handled before in NICU thinking that it may happen to my baby. I was on close watch for almost 24 hours and was monitoring for any signs of abnormalities.
Even if I am a nurse, I am not exempted. As a first time mom, it was expected: being so worried over little things, sleepless nights, breastfeeding from time to time, putting the baby to bed, changing diapers and doing laundry! I had no support and I was super stressed out, truly the struggle is real.
Every day was not like any other days, there's always something new as the dawn breaks. I shed tears almost every day because of lack of sleep, tiredness and let's not forget hormonal imbalance. As a result, I was irritable and felt unfairness, that's why I always nag and complain and somehow blamed my husband for all the things I went through. I got depressed, I needed support and I wanted my husband to be with me which made me angry because it's clearly not happening!
I was drowned in depression by the day, I was not happy even by seeing my baby I felt nothing. I easily got frightened by his loud cry and sometimes got irritated by it. There are moments that I even cry when he cries and sometimes I kept myself away from him. I didn't understand why I was feeling that way. I was losing hope and all I can think about was to end it once and for all. Yes, it crossed my mind, I thought it was the only way I can escape my misery.
I was confused and I only thought of one person and I reached out to her. I cried so hard and poured it all out to her all the things that are keeping me unhappy. She listened to me and gave her side, she also went through the same thing. Of all the things she said, she then asked me,"If you do this, what will happen to your son? Who will take care of him? Can you afford to leave him and be taken cared of by just somebody? You are his mom and the only person who can love him unconditionally", I suddenly felt like my chest was about to explode, it hit me real hard and was crying like a baby. It woke me up and made me realized that my son needed me the most. I knelt and prayed so hard to God, desperately asking for help, confessing all the wrong things I thought and asking for strength, peace of mind and forgiveness. I was selfish, I only thought of myself and didn't think of my baby.
Photo Credits: www.babycenter.com
Postpartum depression (PPD) is real and I gave in to it. I know I was not alone and a lot of moms had also gone through PPD but not all. A lot of moms also are not aware of it. It's not only applicable to first-time moms but to all moms who just gave birth. If you feel that you are going through this, it is very important to seek help. Do not be afraid and ashame about it because it's for your own good. Some people felt inferior when they ask for help, but don't be. Learn to appreciate, accept and love yourself first by doing so you will learn to appreciate and love those around you.
What I learned about all this was number one to constantly seek for God's presence, pray and trust that He will be with you until the end. Second, is learn to value yourself. I am a first-time mom and having a baby is having a new responsibility. Learn to appreciate changes and it's important to have your support system. Have someone that you are comfortable to talk with about all the happenings in your life. Lastly, don't let yourself be sad. Think of any diversional activities that you can to keep you occupied. In this way, you can help yourself to be happy and live better.
No comments:
Post a Comment